Second Term: Can I Really Do This?

The beginning of the second or winter term happened to coincide with the sudden need to move.  It was a stressful time to move and start another semester.  My very wonderful family, friends and life group came through and helped me get packed, moved and settled.  As I started the first week of the term under the clouds of pressure, I got scared.

The old voice loves to chime in at these times. 

"See?  First term was just a fluke.  You knew you couldn't do this.  Who did you think you were anyway?  Maybe you should just get out now."

I battled through the first week and then came my resolve:  I would drop Algebra II, the class that needs most of my attention, and replace it with something less homework driven.  I would pick up the math again in the spring.  That seemed right to me.  I immediately felt better.  Speech, Women's Health and Psychology 202 would be fine.  Just replace the math.

So I look through the courses that I am lacking, trying to find a good replacement for math.  I must hurry because I have already missed the first week.  I needed a history class and saw religion and Old Testament as an option.  I was thinking how hard can it be?  I grew up hearing about this stuff every week in Sunday School.  We will read about the beginning, Noah and the Ark, Moses and the Ten Commandments....I would really like that!

My first day of class found me waiting outside of Room 1610 with about 20 other students.  This teacher is precise and doesn't show up until just at 9 a.m.  As he approaches, pulling his rolly cart behind him, I smile.  He is a tall, lean, elder man.  He has white hair that I have noticed always seems to fly away, glasses, a bushy white mustache and best of all....about 15 pens/pencils in his shirt pocket!  I had a sudden dose of "what did I do" and then decided to make the best of it.  By the end of the first class, I really liked him and found myself very engrossed in the lesson.  He is very serious about the Old Testament.

That said, this is the class that I am struggling in the most.  I enjoy reading and talking about the issues and storylines.  I like hearing about the history of the battles and how the Old Testament, Hebrew Bible and Roman Catholic Bible compare.

It's the tests!  I just can't seem to conquer the material when it comes to answering the questions.  I am halfway through the term and I am struggling to have a Cminus!  So this Tuesday, at his invitation, I am meeting with him to get tips on how to study.  Honestly, I am surprised that I am having so much trouble in a class I am enjoying.  But this is where I need to override old shortcomings and get a different outcome.

I always tell my women's groups:  If you don't like something, change it.  I need to take my own advice.

I CAN really do this.  I can, I Can, I CAN!

Nothing But Time

Surviving the first term of college is no small feat, considering I started this adventure without knowing how to use a Ti-85 calculator (it comes with a USB cord).  I had my mind made up to just face each day, one day at a time.  I would handle the homework each day and never get behind.  I would attend all of my classes no matter what the teacher said about attendance not being counted.  Slowly but surely I collected a few days of success that turned into a few weeks.

In spite of an "interesting" Writing teacher, (and that is putting it nicely), and a garden variety teacher in the other 3 classes, I feel very successful.  I was never trying for good grades.  I was trying to NOT fail.  I was trying to be steady and keep up.  I did not want the intimidation of high school Geometry to take over my thoughts. 

We just celebrated Christmas and the first term is in the books.  I feel very proud of my work and my effort.  I am also very satisfied with my attitude when hit with a teacher who obviously did not live a life even remotely similar to mine.  I just kept walking the walk, doing the work, and keeping up.  When final grades were posted, I was so surprised and amazed at how well the term had gone for me.

Writing A
Health A
Psychology A
Algebra B

In just a few short weeks I will be ramping up to attack the next batch of classes, one day at a time.  And nine weeks after that you will probably be hearing about my final grades.  What will have you changed in that amount of time?  Don't let the time go by and promise yourself over and over that you are going to try something new or change an old habit.  Go!  Do it now!  One step at a time is all it takes.  Get ready to start and we will see where we go.  We got nothing but time.

College and Lollipops Do Go Together

I am now in my fifth week of college and I am settling in pretty well.  Running with A's in my classes, with the exception of algebra.  I have no idea what I will be getting in that class.

It's kinda scary.  We have had plenty of homework and classwork but no quizzes or tests and the mid-term is next week.  I feel like I am getting it during class but you know how tests go....fear grips me and it all goes straight out of my head!  Sometimes that happens just with the homework!  So mid-term next week...YIKES!

I missed my algebra class last Thursday because I was sick so today I stayed after and worked on the missing homework and today's homework.  The teacher was there and another student and we worked through it together.  That was very reassuring but still, the test looms in front of me.

But the good news is, no matter what actual letter grade I get, I am doing something extraordinary.  For many years people near and dear to me have suggested I go to college and I said, "never, ever!"Those are the magic words, aren't they?  Never say never.  In spite of my resistance, here I am and I can honestly say that I am enjoying it.  I love the feel of the pencil to paper and the joy of working together with those at my table.  We share our knowledge and experience like a team.  It is a thrill to be able to say that I understand it and I was sad to miss class on Thursday.

Yesterday I bought a couple of bags of Caramel Apple Lollipops and brought them to Writing class.  All of sudden I felt hesitant to bring them out, thinking the kids would think I was silly.  But oh no!  They were soooo happy and thanked me profusely. 

(You have to understand something about me.  To borrow a phrase from Zoey on Nurse Jackie: "In my world there are prizes.")

There were enough lollipops to bring them to Algebra today and at break we passed the bag around.  Again, it brought joy and smiles to everyone.....especially the teacher.  Because for a few brief minutes the class was actually quiet.

Never Would Have Thought

Math has never been my strong suit.  Of all the classes it was so intimidating.  I never felt confident in math and if I scored well on homework or a test it felt like I was really fooling everyone.  If only they knew that I wasn't as smart as I seemed!

I was one of the kids that tested well and put in algebra in 8th grade.  I remember the few of us who were selected for this honor.  We really thought we were big dogs.  We were taking algebra.  It sounded so....HIGH SCHOOL!  But it wasn't long before I looked around the classroom and everyone seemed to be getting it but me and on top of that, they LIKED it!  I felt lost and left out.  I don't know how but I got enough points to get an okay grade and passed. 

Passing only brought new problems.  It meant that I was automatically placed in geometry as a freshman.  In my particular class, I was the only freshman amongst mostly juniors.  I was very intimidated with theorems, Pythagoreum and such, as well as high school in general, but I made an effort to keep up.  It proved to be unsuccessful and it wasn't long before I skipped class for the first time ever, avoiding the problem and making it much worse.

Looking back, I realize that in my younger years learning and education came very easy to me.  I wasn't used to having to put forth so much effort.  I was easily the best reader and was the spelling bee winner every week in second grade.  But as classes like geometry required more and more, and I failed to step up, I got further and further behind.  Finally, giving up, I managed to get a D, passing, and did not take any further math.  This affected my confidence in all of my other classes as well.  People thought I was smart and I kept pretending it was true, but I felt more and more alone as I kept up pretenses.

Today I am in college for the first time in my life and my placement test showed I should start in algebra/trig.  I was dubious that I would be successful so I chose to start in algebra.  In addition to that, I chose to have algebra class on a day with no other classes.  I wanted to be able to focus on math alone without any other distractions.

Now, three weeks in and I am relieved!  I have worked at staying up with the teacher, following the classwork closely and I don't stop until I understand.  This week I was ahead of the entire class and waiting on them and actually helped other students with the classwork!

This has been a big boost to my morale and even to my thoughts on future schooling.  I have realized that I CAN do it and the success is encouraging and fulfilling.  I am facing some old fears and overcoming them.  I simply cannot believe it.  Algebra.  I never would have thought.

Writing 115 and a Little Something Extra

I am sure you are thinking that it's about time I had something good to report about my writing class.  I am here to oblige.

As I entered the class today, I was giddy with nerves.  I was turning in my very first collegiate writing paper and I was all wound up from anticipation.  Today, THE UNICORN paper was being handed over to Hippie-Boot-Political-Crass-Teacher Person.  I had no idea how my paper would be judged.

After all these days of non-combative confrontation, my only concern has been that it would somehow lead to a bias against my writing and thus a poor grade.  I have been trying so hard not to even appear argumentative but somehow I don't think I succeeded.

At any rate, she offered to give extra credit to those who would read their paper out loud to the class.  After a couple, two or three papers were read, I volunteered.  Hoping not to speed-read or run out of breath because of the nerves, I sat at the front of the class and confided my true story.

Imagine my surprise when at the end of my reading, not only did the class clap and say "that was awesome" but the teacher went out of her way to vocalize  and emphasize how really awesome she thought it was.  It seemed genuine which caught me off guard but I was appreciative all the same.  Hippie or not, she has had seven books published and so if even she can see some value in my writing, then I call that lagniappe, which is to say in french, " a little something extra".  I am still glowing from the review!

Writer's Note:  You can read the actual paper on the blog post entitled, The Unicorn Paper.

The First Day and The Third Week

The first day of college I was all wide-eyed and cautious.  Without one bit of surety did I think I belonged on campus.  I had been told by more than a few folks that I should go to college, that I was smart enough.  But it just never appealed to me.

I am in my third week now and I am throwing on my messenger back almost like a pro and I don't get lost in the wrong hall that looks just like the other one...at least not as often.  I have come to accept that parking takes a minimum of 30 minutes and that as the days go by there are fewer and fewer students in my classes.  It is also imperative that I dress accordingly with layers, because I am hot natured and at any moment may be burdened by being too warm. 

In my writing class, with the hip teacher who wants us to argue about politics and God, we actually had a girl come to the point of fists in the air ready to fight for her food stamps, welfare, unemployment and student aid.  The funny part was she was fighting someone on her own team, and a newly returned veteran from Afghanistan at that!

I find it amusing that after four writing classes, each with a different spin on the politics and God arguments suddenly became a discussion about art yesterday.  While the passion was still there for some, it was a much more palatable discussion and no fists were formed. 

Call me crazy but I am much more comfortable in this environment.

But this teacher is itching for a heated debate so I am sure we will get into it again.  It is the political season, after all.

More to come....

The Unicorn Paper

Many of you have been following on Facebook so you know about my disdain for the title of our first writing essay.  See original post below:

So I am not very impressed that my first writing assignment topic in college is unicorns. Why not make it My Little Pony? That's what you get when a teacher trying too hard to be hip lets a class choose the topic....

 Here is the finished product.  Let me know what you think!

UNICORN FRIEND

(aka A REAL GURL TURNS RUIN INTO TRANSFORMATION)

 

            It was about 18 months ago that I was stumbling through life, broken, bruised and sore from a divorce that happened seven years ago. I was slowly moving forward but feeling like I had a perpetual sandbag on my shoulders that I could not shake.  Though I am not a drinker, but more of a thinker, I tried several self-help books, specifically the manuals from Alcoholics Anonymous, to no avail.  Desperately, I was trying to find steps to lift me out of the dark past into a new life, but the right steps eluded me. 

            By chance, (which is not the right word at all because it was more than chance), I called my church to ask to use a room for a ladies friendship group. One phone call… just that one phone call started a deluge of significant events.  It was here that I met Holly.
           
            There are many legends and meanings that can be attached to unicorns, but one reminds me of Holly: “A symbol of strength, endurance and hope.” For the purpose of this writing, Holly is my unicorn because from the very start she was a beacon of these things. She wisely walked me through some desperate moments, always offering hope if I would have the strength to endure the process.  She was my God-given guide through The Genesis Process, a set of workbooks designed to bring one to a lasting recovery.   

            I say recovery though I have never faced down an addiction to drugs or alcohol but rather my own demon, an addiction to approval. It was Holly and her quiet strength, eyes that knew me, and her constant questions of accountability, that kept me pursuing my new beginning.  This new beginning was to address my constant and abiding need to please others, without regard to the personal outcome.  It would include learning who I am and how to give that back to others in need. 

            Being alone after my divorce, I was now in my forties and in my own place for the first time in my life. The noisy, busy, family life was gone.  To say I was lost and did not know who I was only gives a small glimpse of the pain I was experiencing.  

            The day I met Holly, I was only looking for a place to meet.  Little did I know, as she allowed me to share my story for nearly two hours, that I had met someone who would become such a friend, confidant, and mentor.  After I had unloaded all the sins of the past, nearly exhausted from crying and at a loss as to how I arrived at this state, she looked at me with piercing brown eyes and said, “Would you mind if I mentored you?” 

            Suddenly and without warning, there was the help I had been seeking. For nearly six years I had battled, waging war with myself and searching fruitlessly for direction.  I constantly asked everyone around me if they knew what was wrong with me.  Suddenly someone was reaching out to me and seemed to know something I didn’t.  It was especially sweet to later realize that help came as I was looking to help others. 

            Her eyes continued to burn into mine as she pelted me with questions of my commitment.    “You will have to promise to attend a class every week,” she said. “And you have to promise to do the assigned homework,” she continued.

            This time I answered rather meekly with “O.K.” and she added “Be on time”.  I was in such need that had she told me to jump off a bridge I probably would have done it.  I trusted her from the very start. 

            And so began the most transforming six months of my life.  Holly held the reins perfectly as she kept me on course and held me accountable for my behaviors and actions.  The enduring strength and constant hope of a unicorn began to take root in me.  

            To describe my Forever Friend as an inspiration is an understatement and to call her a unicorn is even more so, but for the sake of Writing 115 I will.  The truth of the matter is she was a gift from God.  Through her love and guidance, I have not only begun to uncover the Real Gurl inside, but it has led me to my passion: counseling other hopeless women to find their Genesis, or new beginning.  I learned a wise truth:   that ruin is a gift for it is the road to transformation.  My life will never be the same.